I Hope He Knew Nothing

I touched his body in that bathroom. I use the word ‘body,’ but I wasn’t saying that he was a body, that he was dead. I was literally hoping that maybe he was unconscious in some kind of way. When I touched him, he felt coolish but not cold.

It wasn’t like my mother when she died. Her body became dead cold. It went from warm to cold very quickly. I thought maybe that was just because he was in a cool space. Maybe his body was regulating its temperature or something like that.

I really fucking hoped he was alive. He couldn’t not be alive. But that was just my hopeful dreams. He was gone by the time I went to the bathroom. In my heart, I hope he woke up and thought, “Oh, my tummy feels a bit sick. I’m not feeling that great. I’ll go into the toilet. I must need to go to the toilet or something.” Then he went in there, and everything just went blank.

If that’s what happened, I’m happy with that (as happy as you can be with that thought). It’s one of the few fucking things I can tell myself.

Maybe that was it.

I hope he knew nothing.

He had been having such a shitty time at work for a while, and then suddenly he wasn’t. It was one of those scenarios where he went from crazy work completion to just waiting. So I told him, enjoy it. And he did. He started to enjoy the relaxation of knowing that he was getting paid but had nothing to do. I said, “Don’t worry. Just chill out.”

We would slag him about being a dosser and getting paid for doing absolutely bugger all. It was a joke. He enjoyed it. I told him it was a reward for having to put up with the absolute shit of those previous months, with a terrible boss.

I wanted him to enjoy his time. I wanted him to relax and think, at four o’clock every day, “Well, that’s me. That’s me finished for the day. I don’t have to worry about work anymore. Work is another thing. We’ll do it tomorrow.”

I never thought there would be an end.

Practical Help and Support After a Sudden Death

If somebody you love has only just died and you don’t know what you are supposed to do next, begin with Day One After a Sudden Death.

You can also find organisations and resources for people affected by an unexpected or traumatic death under Sudden, Traumatic and Specific Types of Death.