Help Writing a Eulogy or Funeral Tribute: How Do You Sum Up the Person You Love?

When Darren died, one of the things I hadn’t really thought about was how the hell you actually sum up somebody’s life. You’re already in complete shock. Your brain is screwed. You can’t think properly, you can’t remember things properly and your head is just so tangled up with everything that’s happening.

And then somebody effectively asks you: Tell me about him.

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For Darren’s Humanist celebration, our celebrant, Richard Lavery, came to the house and sat and chatted with us. He asked questions about Darren and tried to pull as much information as he could from us. He then went away and put together a first draft of the celebration. And it was really, really good. But when I read it, I realised there was so much more I needed to add.

How Do You Fit Someone’s Life Into a Few Pages?

Somebody else can write down the facts about the person you love. Where they were born. What they did. Where they worked. Who they married. Whether they had children. But they don’t know all the little things that made that person uniquely them.

What they always said. What they laughed at. What annoyed them, and lots of things hilariously annoyed Darren. The things they were brilliant at and the things they were absolutely useless at. The programmes they watched. The food they liked. Their habits. Their routines. Their friends. The things you laughed about. And suddenly you’re trying to retrieve all of this when your brain isn’t exactly functioning at its best. You almost end up project managing it. Except this project is the funeral of the person you love. You want to put the right words in. You want the right things said.

Ask Other People

Music was another whole thing for me.

I didn’t want songs that were meaningful just to me. I wanted songs that were him. At one point, I found myself going through the full discography of The Doors and The Lemonheads trying to find an appropriate song. I ended up asking Darren’s friends what music made them think of him. His friend John mentioned Blondie and I had this Eureka moment. He loved Blondie.

I hadn’t forgotten. Of course I knew it. My brain just hadn’t retrieved it. So one thing I would recommend is simply asking other people: What do you think of when you think of them? They might give you back a memory that your brain can’t find at that moment. If choosing the songs is another part you are struggling with, my Choosing Funeral Music That Actually Means Something guide may help.

You Don’t Need to Turn Them Into a Saint

I also don’t think you need to turn somebody into a completely different person because they’ve died. They were a human being. They could be funny, annoying, ridiculous, brilliant, stubborn, kind, grumpy, generous or an absolute pain in the arse.

I wanted the Darren we actually knew. The music. The stories. The laughs. The things his friends remembered. The things Daniel and I knew. The ordinary stuff. At his celebration, I spoke about his temporary tattoo that was anything but temporary, his dislike of driving and his ability to buy great concert tickets.

Download the Help Me Write About the Person Who Died Worksheet

I wish I’d had something like this sitting in front of me when I was trying to pull all this information out of my head. It’s simply a way of prompting your brain, with questions about who they were, their friends, your life together, funny stories, habits, work, family, music, photographs and the things they loved and hated.

Related Guidance

For help with the other choices involved in arranging the ceremony, return to Planning a Funeral When You Haven’t a Clue What You’re Doing.