What Can Other People Do for Me?
After somebody dies, people quite naturally say things like Anything you need, just ask. It’s a lovely thing to say and people genuinely mean it. The problem is that when Darren died, I didn’t necessarily know what I needed.
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My brain was completely screwed. I was trying to deal with what had happened, organise a funeral, look after Daniel, look after the pets and somehow keep all the ordinary bits of life going at the same time. When somebody asks what they can do for you, you then have another job. You have to work out what needs done, decide who could do it and then actually ask them.
Specific Help Is Much Easier
What helped me was when people took responsibility for specific things. Friends and family organised the refreshments after Darren’s celebration. They sorted the sandwiches, milk, biscuits and all the other bits that hadn’t even entered my head. If it had been left to me, there probably wouldn’t have been tea, coffee or anything else.
There are so many ordinary jobs that don’t disappear because somebody has died. The dog still needs walked. Children still need looked after. Food needs bought. People need contacted. Things need collected. Tea and coffee somehow still need to appear when people arrive at the house. But the bereaved person shouldn’t also have to become the manager of everybody offering to help.
This Worksheet Is Really for the Friend Who Wants to Help
The What Can Other People Do for Me? worksheet is designed for a trusted friend or family member to print and take to the person who has been bereaved. It isn’t another form to hand over and expect them to complete by themselves.
The idea is that you sit with them for a few minutes and gently work through the different areas. You might ask whether it would help if somebody brought food, walked the dog, dealt with messages, gave lifts or took care of a funeral job. They only need to answer as much as they can. They can say yes, no, not now or change their mind later.
How to Use the Worksheet
- Choose one help coordinator.
- Go through the checklist together. Ask about one section at a time rather than expecting them to complete the whole thing.
- Agree who may be contacted, what can be shared and whether they want to be included in any group messages.
- Turn each tick into a specific job. Write down exactly what needs done, who has agreed to do it and when they are doing it.
- Photograph the final coordination page and send it to the agreed group of helpers.
- People can report back to the coordinator instead of repeatedly contacting the bereaved person.
The point is to take jobs and decisions away from somebody, not accidentally give them another group of people to manage.
Using a WhatsApp Group
We had a WhatsApp group containing the main contacts, which meant information could be passed on on without having to contact everybody individually. The same idea can be used to organise practical help. The coordinator can photograph the completed jobs page and share it in the group. People can then say which job they can take and when they can do it. The coordinator keeps the list updated and makes sure several people aren’t all doing the same thing while another job is forgotten.
A family group chat, shared note, simple spreadsheet or paper list can also work. It doesn’t need to be complicated. Use whatever is easiest for the people involved.
What Is Included?
The worksheet includes:
- Clear instructions for the friend organising the help
- Questions to establish what can be shared and who can be contacted
- Food and household jobs
- Help with children and pets
- Messages, visitors and funeral updates
- Funeral-related jobs
- Phone calls, paperwork and appointments
- Company, quiet and emotional support
- Space to record what the person does and doesn’t want
- A separate jobs page for the help coordinator
- A message that can be copied into a WhatsApp or family group
Because sometimes the most useful thing another person can do is simply take a job away from you rather than give you another decision to make.
Download the What Can Other People Do for Me? Worksheet
Print the worksheet, go through it with the person you want to support and then take responsibility for organising the help they have agreed to.
Related Guidance
For a broader look at what may need attention during those first few days, see The First Week After Someone Dies.
If everything feels urgent, What Can Wait? can help separate what needs attention now from what can be left until another day.