Planning a Funeral When You Haven’t a Clue What You’re Doing

When Darren died, one of the first things people started talking to me about was funeral directors. Like most people, I wouldn’t have known one funeral director in the whole wide world. Why would I? I’d never had to organise a funeral before.

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You shouldn’t have to wade through lots of information to find it. Use the quick links below to download the checklist now.

Darren had died suddenly and completely unexpectedly. My whole brain function was screwed. I was in shock and confusion and could barely organise myself, never mind start thinking about how you organise someone’s funeral. And yet, suddenly, that’s what you have to do.

There Are More Choices Than I Realised

We didn’t actually know what kind of funeral we wanted. We knew what we didn’t want. I knew Darren wanted to be cremated and I definitely knew he didn’t want any kind of Christian event. But we’d never discussed Humanism, celebrants, what songs he wanted or what somebody should say about him. Why would we? He was 52 years old and, as far as we knew, perfectly healthy.

If choosing the music feels impossible, my Choosing Funeral Music That Actually Means Something guide may help. I’ve also put together some help for writing a eulogy or funeral tribute when you don’t know how to sum up the person you love.

A friend had been at a Humanist funeral a few months earlier and said it was lovely. That was really how I found out about it and decided we would go down that avenue. Until then, I hadn’t really thought about the fact that there are different ways you can actually have a funeral. You can have a religious funeral, a Humanist funeral, a civil or independent celebrant-led funeral, or something much simpler. Then there is the separate decision about burial or cremation.

Suddenly There Are Decisions Everywhere

That was probably the biggest thing for me. You’re trying to decide what kind of funeral to have, whether someone will be buried or cremated, who will conduct the ceremony, what will be said, what music to play, what coffin to choose, what things cost and what you actually need. Your head doesn’t stop.

Meanwhile, you still have to eat and drink. Your child still needs you. The pets still need fed. The dog still needs walked. Normal life hasn’t stopped simply because yours has just been completely blown apart. And you don’t have to create the perfect funeral. You don’t have to tell every story. You don’t have to find the perfect song. You don’t have to spend a fortune and you don’t have to know how any of this works before you start. I certainly didn’t.

If you are worried about costs or aren’t sure what you are agreeing to, my Funeral Costs: Questions Before I Agree resource gives you some of the questions you may want to ask.

Planning a Funeral in Northern Ireland Checklist

I’ve created a Planning a Funeral in Northern Ireland checklist and workbook based partly on what I learned organising Darren’s funeral and partly on the practical choices available here.

It covers things such as:

• the different types of funeral
• burial or cremation
• funeral directors
• clergy, Humanist or other celebrants
• coffins and costs
• music, readings and photographs
• funeral notices and refreshments
• things other people can organise for you

It’s not there to tell you what kind of funeral you should have. It’s there because I didn’t know what I was doing. And if you’re sitting where I was, trying to make all these decisions while your brain is barely functioning, hopefully it means there are a few things you don’t have to work out completely from scratch.

Download the Planning a Funeral in Northern Ireland Checklist

Print the worksheet, go through it with the person you want to support and then take responsibility for organising the help they have agreed to.

What Else May Need Attention This Week?

Arranging the funeral may take up most of your attention, but there may be other practical things happening around you too. My First Week After Someone Dies guide helps separate what may need attention from everything that can wait.

If you aren’t sure where to begin, return to What to Do When Someone Dies in Northern Ireland.