Day 101 of Grief: Back to School

In some ways, I cannot believe it has been over 100 days since Darren passed.

Daniel is back at school tomorrow, and today both of us were pretty shaky. I think it was me who set him off because he found me crying.

I could not stop thinking about the fact that, on Daniel’s first day back every year, Darren and I would go up to the school with him. We would make a point of leaving early so that we arrived in plenty of time.

This year, that is not going to happen.

Normally, Darren would not have been up by the time Daniel left for school, but he would have been tomorrow. Ever since primary school, all three of us went to school together on the first day. It was our tradition, and tomorrow would have been the final time we did it because this is the beginning of Daniel’s last year.

Tomorrow also marks the day when I will be fully back in work mode without Darren being around. He would usually have been sitting in the front room working while I worked in the living room. We would talk to each other as we worked or stop, have a coffee and sit chatting for a while.

That will not happen tomorrow, and I am heartbroken.

I feel that once Daniel leaves, I will probably just decompress and cry furiously. I am crying even as I try to type this. Going back to school is one of those things I have been both wanting and dreading since this happened.

Darren died at the end of May. Daniel had already finished most of his classes because of his exams, and then we moved into the summer holidays. Tomorrow will be the first time he has properly returned to school since Darren died.

It is going to be a tough day for him too. He will be back in school knowing that he no longer has Darren to report everything to or give all the latest news. We were both crying today, and Daniel told me that he often secretly texted Darren during the school day to discuss things that were United-related.

So much has been taken from us.

I do not know how we ever return to anything remotely happy or normal again. It is just deep, deep grief. It goes down so far.

I have told Daniel that the only way I can find to get around it is by working. I have been working on this site, and that is what I have tried to concentrate on alongside my other work.

I never comprehended the depth of pain and heartache involved in a death like this. It is horrendous.

I know that my emotions affect Daniel. Today, when I became upset, he became upset too. That is not what I want for him, but sometimes I cannot prevent it.

We just have to get through tomorrow.

There are going to be a lot of shit days like today and tomorrow, and somehow we just have to get through each one. Tomorrow feels particularly symbolic. It is the beginning of Daniel’s final year at school, and Darren should be here for it.

I am glad it is a Thursday. I wish it were a Friday, but at least when he comes home, he will only have one more day to get through before the weekend.

It is going to be hard for him. People will not be coming up to me because I will be sitting here doing my work. They will be coming up to him. He is going to be constantly reminded of what has happened.

But I have his shoes ready. I have his uniform ready. I have his bag ready. I have his lunch ready. I have made his bed. I am waiting for him to come home, and the water is warm if he wants a shower.

That part, at least, is complete.

Tomorrow morning, I just have to get up early, make him some breakfast and wish him well. Luckily, he is going in with his good friend Tom, so perhaps that will take his attention away from sitting on the bus by himself.

I can already feel how heartbroken I am going to be.

Support for Families After a Bereavement

You can find organisations and resources for bereaved children, teenagers and their families under Support for Children, Young People and Families.

If you have lost your husband, wife or partner, you can also visit Support After the Death of a Spouse or Partner.