Day 57 of Grief: I Walk a Lonely Road..

Just walking down the street and I realised that I’m on my own. That my best friend, the one I had and grew up with, Darren, is gone. Gone. I mean, really, really gone.

There is no coming back.

And I feel like I’m on my own. I mean, it’s not that I really want people, but I’m also very aware that I’m on my own as well.

I’m now eating takeaway food because I just couldn’t have been arsed cooking, and I just feel really down.

He shouldn’t have gone. He shouldn’t have gone.

I never thought I’d be in this situation where he’d be gone and I’d still be here, and Daniel would be a teenager and I’d have to look after him.

I just wish… you know, it’s just awful. I don’t know what I wish. I just don’t know.

I felt dreadful while I was out and started crying.

How do you start to create a life again?

I guess it’s just realising that that’s all over. That whole world is over.

I’ll be okay, I suppose.

He should not have died. He was the healthy one in the family. He should not have died.

It’s literally unbelievable that he died.

It’s hard for me to believe that it’s true. If I’m looking at a picture of him, I don’t think I’ve yet fully acknowledged that he’s dead.

There’s all these things I know, but that doesn’t mean I really, deep down, believe it.

Because if I deep down believed it, I’d know I was truly fucked.

I just know that there’s a sense that this is it.

This is it now.

That’s all.